Today marks my 1 month anniversary eating a vegan diet. What happened? First, I didn’t die, although the fiber did make me feel like I was going to at one point. Second, I didn’t snap and ram a whole stick of butter down my gullet. Third … I didn’t have a life-changing epiphany. But I did learn some stuff, like these 10 things:
1. I was pretty sure there was nothing I could eat … until I actually thought about it. I knew this wouldn’t really be too difficult before I flirted with a vegan diet, which was initially as a 3-day experiment to see if I felt better by cutting out dairy. And I did. So I kept going. But after 10 consecutive days of fruit-sweetened oatmeal, massive salads, and the occasional apple with peanut butter, I was pretty certain I had eaten my way through everything vegan had to offer that wasn’t either full of added sugar, gluten, or processed with gums and other additives or highly processed robo-foods, all of which I (mostly) avoid. I was bummed, hungry, and bored. Then I remembered that I had been making incredible vegan meals for decades. Bean soups, tomato sauces, dal, and more, plus almost every single recipe that I adore from the New York Times cooking app. I had at least two dozen tofu recipes alone that I hadn’t even considered. And even better, bean burgers can be made without egg. And breakfasts: couldn’t I just swap the plain yogurt I used in my former smoothies for silken tofu? I hadn’t even made a tofu scramble or my favorite brothy curry. And why hadn’t I bothered sauteing collards in coconut milk yet, when it’s one of those foods that I horde and let no one else come near? Sometimes you just have to get over yourself. Oh, and get off your ass and cook something, which I did that night. Oddly life-changing.
2. Even a vegan diet could make me gain weight. All that stuff about vegans not being able to gain weight? Bullshit. Peanut butter, coconut, avocados, walnuts, bananas — exist to taunt me. Sometimes all at once. I can turn anything into a calorie-hoarding opportunity.
3. Too much fiber can literally shit on your good time. At the risk of sounding like some irritating nutrition freak here, I’ve gotta say this: watch the macros. I found out the painful way that this is pretty essential for me because too much fiber IS a bad thing. In the first two weeks, I ate a massive salad every day (see #1, where I get bored). It was delicious and I threw everything in it: spinach, tomatoes, some fresh fruit, roasted beets, peppers, celery, radishes, beans, rice, nuts, tofu, dog toys, you name it. I used a serving bowl rather than something humans are s’posed to eat directly from because that’s what it took to hold all of that food. It took me 30+ minutes to finish eating it. Afterwards, I’d be painfully full for hours. None of this clued me into a problem, however. I waited until the stomach just stopped digesting before I started looking around to see if I could be causing this pain. I was logging a minimum of 46 grams of fiber per day. That’s about 2x the daily recommendation for my caloric intake. Dialing fiber back to around 36g or 38g per day most days changed things. I can also eat a salad much faster now.
4. I talk about poop A LOT. Never in my life have I discussed poop and digestion as much as I have in this first month of eating a vegan diet. That’s what happens when you eat all the fiber and the person you live with is eating Keto. Poop is THE topic of conversation but for opposite reasons.
5. I also just simply talk all the time. Not just poop talk: everything. I blame the massive amounts of energy I have now. But I do feel sorry for everyone nearby who has to listen to me pop off about whatever is on my mind.
6. Sugar alcohols or “polyols,” are stupid and painful, particularly when they’re added to foods. I know — processed food. What did I expect? Oh, damned Xylitol-sweetened gum! Want an alcohol? Have a beer.
7. There are rules. For example, true vegans don’t actually wear leather. That includes shoes, even Birks. I hate rules BTW. So do my feet. But, look, I’m just eating a vegan diet or 100% plant-based or whatever you’d like to call it. I’m going to leave my shoes out of this for now.
8. Peanut butter is its own food group. This needs no explanation. Neither do the 4 jars of 3 different brands of natural peanut butter in my pantry right now.
9. Dukkah is the shit. Ditto for tahini, chili crisp, zaatar, the dried-fruit-and-nut mix I started making, and almost every other topper I can think of that isn’t ketchup, mayo, ranch dressing, or nasty-ass fry sauce. Why, oh why can’t America have a cool condiment?
10. Always be prepared. Eat before you leave. Take a snack. Pack an apple. Never assume anything. BYOB. Every person with dietary limitations or goals has known this for years but we don’t always follow this rule. Also, pee while you have a chance, although this has nothing to do with vegan. It’s just good advice.
BTW, this isn’t over yet. Ima keep going.
