As a mom, daughter, and woman in general, I’m used to taking the blame for almost everything. Yes, I ran that red light. Yes, I forgot the kids had a soccer game. Yes, I approved that story for the newsletter. Yes, I ate the last piece of pie. Yes, women in my demo ruined the 2016 election (I was not, however, one of them).

So, naturally, when unholy stomach pains set in, I was pretty sure it was something I did. And since it was my stomach, that meant it was something I ate. I was obviously asking for it. (See? Female. We always are, right?)

By day 7, I start trying to figure out what that “something” was. Since I forever obsess over tracking food (yes, probably an eating disorder, although tracking food doesn’t actually make me avoid that food but at least I can see why I didn’t lose weight), I look at my food log to find the offending item.

For the record, I use MyFatness Pal. It works as long as you don’t believe everything you read in their food database — including a “verified” calorie counts for a full cup of Kirkland chocolate-covered almonds is 160 calories.

Day 7: I decide fennel is the problem since, in the past, fennel seeds may have caused my right eyelid to swell. I cut it out.

Day 8: Pain is no better without the fennel, so I’m thinking the beets could be the issue. They’ve gotta go.

Day 9: Pain may be even worse without the fennel and the beets. Is it the grape tomatoes? I cut them too.

Day 10: Kiwi gets cut.

Day 11: I switch to distilled water because, damnit, it’s got to be the tap water.

BTW, I’m still stuffed after eating. I’ve increased the size of my breakfast bowl, which consists of a serving of amaranth or steel cut oats with a banana plus another 300 grams of random fresh and frozen fruit, and topped with 30 grams of walnut/cocoa nib/dried mulberry topping, to something more appropriately sized since I can’t really fit all of it in a normal (and massive) cereal bowl now. I’m positive, however, that my breakfast isn’t to blame. It’s just fruit, nuts, and grains! I can digest all of that.

I look online but can’t find anything about pain after eating and vegan or digestive pain after eating or really full after eating vegan. All that keeps coming up are the same damn results about vegans eating a whole shit-ton of fiber. I ignore this article just because. I just assume I’m dying instead and will need to live in a plastic bubble to survive.

My calorie intake, BTW, is pretty normal at about 1500-1700 per day (I’m not a massive person so that’s what I get even after an adjustment for working out each day). I even have to watch one day because I’m about to go over and I’m thinking it might be embarrasing to gain weight as a vegan, although I have no doubt it can be done and that I would be the right person for that job.

***

I haven’t mentioned how much I love research, but I do. So I obsessively research my stomach problems. I type in the location of the pain, altho I use terms like “upper tummy” vs “lower tummy” rather than whatever the real gut terminology is, plus the ingredients I think may be causing the problems. I read every study I can find but still no answers.

Everything just says “fiber.” The internet kinda sucks BTW. Thanks, marketing!

But, seriously, fuck fiber! That’s not it. This problem is bigger, systemic, or maybe linked to one lousy thing I did and NOT to all of the insoluble shit I’m cramming down my gullet. It’s not like I’m eating a fiber-added cereal or spoonfuls of psyllium, both of which cause me to double over in pain and bloat like a tic for 3 days because they have so much fib…

Oh. Fiber. Goddammit. How much am I eating?

So that stupid food log has the answer: 46 grams a day. One day it’s 47 grams. Another day, it’s only 45 grams.

That doesn’t seem like much … except that recommendations are 14 grams per 1000 calories per day per person, which would be about 24 grams a day for someone who eats 1600-1700 calories per day. So I’m getting close to double the recommendation. No big deal … right? It’s good for me. Can’t get too much of a good thing, right?

Don’t answer that.

Ignorance is bliss. I’d never actually heard that until I moved to Utah, where it’s the second best coping mechanism that’s easily accessible (the very best: an anti-depressant rx). Regardless, I ignore this info because I’m not giving up my apple with peanut butter (plus, I know that if I really try, MyFatness Pal will reward me with at least 1 entry that indicates that magical combo has no fiber and only about 10 calories, a win for everyone).

We’ll just see how it goes.